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New ‘Work to Fly’ Program Sponsored by Mitt Romney
The Ass Press Posted: 04/18/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Boston, MA. — Horner Airlines is proud to announce that it has teamed up with presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a first of its kind ‘Work to Fly’...
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Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users
The Ass Press Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Washington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act...
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Televangelist Pat Robertson Tells His Congregation That He’s Gay
THE ASS PRESS POSTED: 04/24/2012 6:00:47 PM PDT Virginia Beach, VA. — In a shocking move, 82 year old televangelist Pat Robertson announced to his followers that he is in fact gay. “I hesitated coming...
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Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife Over Too Many Facebook Game Requests
THE ASS PRESS POSTED: 04/25/2012 6:00:57 PM PDT Kabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man,...
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Billionaire’s New Presidential Campaign: Check None Of The Above
The Ass Press Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT Austin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has...
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Man Who Determined Ice Cube’s “Good Day” Awarded Nation’s Highest Medal
Washington, D.C. — Fans of hip hop were in for a surprise Saturday when a user of the popular website Tumblr received one of the United States’ highest civilian honors that a president can award. 82...
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Prisoner Escape Used Scenes From The Shawshank Redemption
The Ass Press Posted: 05/16/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT St. Cloud, MN. — A prison escape in St. Cloud yesterday had all the action and drama of a real movie, and that is maybe because it was actually based on...
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North Carolina: First State Making It Illegal To Be Gay
The Ass Press Posted: 05/28/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT Jacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous weeks...
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Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead
The Ass Press Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT DeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The...
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Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction
Jonestown, AZ — A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted...
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Woman Kills Five People For Not Accepting Her Friend Requests On Facebook
Lashawndra Harris seen here in her mugshot, killed five people when they did not accept her friend request on Facebook. DeQuincy, LA — Lashawndra Harris from DeQuincy, Louisiana was arrested and...
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Surprise Winner At This Years Punjab Rape Festival
Winners of this year’s Punjab Rape Festival. Nikhil Thakur (second from left) being awarded ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes. Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning...
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Bill Murray Is Hero After Saving Child’s Life From Oncoming Traffic
Bill Murray is a hero after he saves a child in London, England from certain death. London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? That is the question being asked by London residents...
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